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Red Sneaker by Brian Matthews
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the Godfather of Soul, Mr. Dynamite, The Hardest Working Man In Show Business, Soul Brother Number One, The Hit Man, The Creator, The Minister of the New New Super Heavy Funk,The Sex Machine, Papa's Got a Brand New Bag, Mr. Please Please Please himself, and The Original Disco Man................ Brian "Gonna Kiss Myself" Matthews!
All Day Kindergarten My daughter is starting kindergarten. All-day/everyday/not-the-weekends/probably-not-the-holidays kindergarten in Mandan. I know there has been quite the kerfuffle about this amongst adults. Has anyone asked the kids. I did. This is what they had to say. "What’s kindo-gawgen?” “Can I play with the toys?” “I’m hungry” “She hit me first!” “Can I have candy?” “My dog’s butt looks like a bit-off hotdog”. I can’t agree more, kids. I can’t agree more. Brian "Dodge Ball” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker My Olympic Predictions Being the omnipotent oracle that I am, I would like to share with you, my predictions for the remainder of the Olympics. 1. Michael Phelps will win an unprecedented 47 Gold medals including 4 more in swimming, 3 in archery, and 27 medals in the “After Hours Olympic Electric Boogaloo” Break dancing contest. 2. Bob Costas’s hair will recover from sedation and flee. 3. Every member of the team from India will fail miserably because they will be up all night fielding tech support calls from the other teams. 4. The “Star Spangled Banner” CD will be “misplaced”, so the USA will have to accept its gold medals to The Beatle’s “Hippy Hippy Shake”. 5. Following the USA’s lead, Moldavia decides to replace their national anthem with Wreckx-n-Effect’s “Rumpshaker”. 6. President Bush will use all his power and influence just for a chance to ride the elusive “Pommel Horse”. 7. Two Olympic athletes will be expelled from the games after they break into the stadium just to play Halo on the giant LCD screen. 8. World harmony is achieved when 2/3 of all the various countries’ athletes discover they are next door neighbors living in a suburb just out side of Denver. They all vow to get together after this for one heck of a barbecue. 9. The Chinese will unveil an even larger cylindrical building to be filled with water and have the “Water Cube” dropped in to keep the giant beverage “cold and refreshing”. Brian "Baton Envy” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Last questions about Germany...I promise Thank you, Crystal (Reid) for putting up with my obnoxious tendencies. I blame my medication. Vitamin C can do that, right? I am so intrigued by your travels which continue to spark more and more questions in my brain. Since I never sleep at night, this is a great time to ponder life in far away places, whether that be Germany or Devil’s Lake. I have always been intrigued by languages and how many have quirks. For instance the use of double negatives is in bad taste in English, but not in other languages. Also, I am currently reading a book written by a Brit (or Britten by a Wit). There are many phrases and terms that give the read a very British flavor (or flavour). For instance, there are no windshields, but Wind Screens. No TV, just teles. In fact I find my self pronouncing “schedules” as “Shed-u-wul”. I realize that Germany uses an entire different language (rumor has it—Hasselhoffese). My question is, are there similar word differences there? Maybe odd phrases like: Instead of saying “That’s how the cookie crumbles”, the Hasselhoffites say, “There’s no stopping the bull from sneezing”. Please help answer these questions! I promise no more phone messages where I just yodel. Brian "Devoted land-locked Reader—with black socks” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos EVEN MORE NEW PHOTOS!!! More Questions (and answers) about Germany Loyal reader Patience e-mailed me in response to the last post: “Hi, I thought I'd help you out here....I only lived in Germany for five years so I can only provide a small bit of info for you.... Patience 1. Does sausage taste the same in Germany as it does in New Leipzig? Having had a bit of sausage in Leipzig, Germany, I would have to say "No" it does not taste the same here in the States....those darn Germans got it right with their sausages...Kuntz Meats in Glen Ullin is a close second to the real deal German sausage....not a plug for them, just a fact. 2. Is David Hasselhoff really popular there? Sadly, yes, they love that guy. 3. Does anyone wear white socks? I had to think about this one for a bit....I came up with nothing....I do not recall the white sock wearing habits of the Germans.... 4. When talking to the locals, do you have to end all conversations with the phrase, “Pass the beer”? The real point here is that they don't HAVE to end the conversation with, "Pass the beer" they just choose to end it that way. 5. How many days a week do you have to wear lederhosen? I am not certain of the current ruling of the Green Party...but I would guess it is a popular limit of twice a week. 6. What do you have for breakfast? Fresh, warm, fabulous brochen, der Schinken, der Käse, und beer :-) 7. What is “German Chocolate cake” called there? Just “Chocolate cake”? Is what we call “Chocolate cake” referred to as “American Chocolate Cake”? Since I am an American I still called chocolate cake purchased in Germany "Germany Chocolate Cake"...maybe a more informed reader of your blog can help you with this one. 8. Is all the soda warm? Yes, unless requested otherwise. 9. Have you seen the German Christmas Pickle? No, and Germans have not seen it either....I think this must be like trying to find Knoefla in Germany....it doesn't exist there. 10. How do you say “Red Sneaker” in German? rot der Turnschuh” OK, so the answers to those last questions just stoked the fire of my mind. I have more questions. Please indulge me just one more time. 1. How fast can you drive on the autobahn? How fast can you go with your left turn signal on? 2. What would happen if a tourist asked someone on the street, “¿Dónde está la biblioteca” 3. Is the rock band “The Scorpions” thought of as royalty there? 4. Is it true that the German people are kind, friendly, generous to a fault, and only grow to be 2 feet tall? 5. In a fist fight, who would win? David Hasselhoff or the Kroll’s ladies? Brian "rot der Turnschuh” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos (NEW PHOTOS ADDED!) Questions about Germany As you may know, Bismarck Tribune Columnist and fellow blogger Crystal Reid is in Germany. As I’ve been pondering life in Germany through her blogs, I began asking questions out loud and to the bemusement of the other people in the grocery store. So I thought I’d ask my questions here and see if Crystal answers. 1. Does sausage taste the same in Germany as it does in New Leipzig? 2. Is David Hasselhoff really popular there? 3. Does anyone wear white socks? 4. When talking to the locals, do you have to end all conversations with the phrase, “Pass the beer”? 5. How many days a week do you have to wear lederhosen? 6. What do you have for breakfast? 7. What is “German Chocolate cake” called there? Just “Chocolate cake”? Is what we call “Chocolate cake” referred to as “American Chocolate Cake”? 8. Is all the soda warm? 9. Have you seen the German Christmas Pickle? 10. How do you say “Red Sneaker” in German? Brian "Viva La Deutschland” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Random Haiku Thursday I can’t find my tools Everything is everywhere My shop is a mess Dear Chad's Wife--Part 3 Dearest, Chad’s Wife, In visiting with your husband, Chad, he indicated that he was still without iPod. He relayed your concerns about money and how such an item was frivolous in nature. To this I say, Mrs. Chad, we live in difficult times. Every day children get sick, countries are ruled by merciless warlords, and the economy is ailing in the US. We, as citizen of the United states of America—Land of the Beautiful—must do our part. We must stimulate the economy by spending some money! NOW is the time to stand up and defend our freedoms fought for by our ancestors and by the fine men and women of the armed forces. Now is the time to show your weapon of choice—your checkbook—and buy that iPod. That iPod stands for our freedom as Americans! If Chad does not get that iPod, then the terrorists will have won. Don’t let your husband down. Don’t let your ancestors down. Don’t let your country down! Brian "Nudge" Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Ode to Jen's Nose My beautiful wife, Jen, has an amazing nose. I am grateful for her olfactory keenness because it has saved my life….a few times. First when we first moved into our house, Jen swore up and down there was a natural gas leak in one of the rooms. I could smell nothing. I called MDU anyway and sure enough---gas leak. Years later we are working on the main floor and Jen stops, sniffs and says, “There’s something burning”. I could smell nothing. Sure enough, we had the beginnings of an electrical fire in one of our closed attics. If Jen hadn’t smelled it when she did, we would have had a full on blaze in there. Then yesterday I get an e-mail that she smells gas again. I don’t even pause—I call MDU right away. Sure enough—we had a natural gas leak on our water heater. Thank you, Jen’s nose! You saved us again! I think I might have to buy Jen’s nose flowers! Brian "Viva La Nostril” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Brian's new shop I spent the weekend moving back into my shop. It’s a woodworking/computer shop. You are now asking yourself…..why would you put a somewhat dusty occupation like woodworking in the same room as something so finicky with dust as say personal computers? Is it because Brian like dichotomy in his life and this is just one more avenue? Is it because woodworking and PC repair are very similar because both can be fixed with a sledge hammer? The real reason is, after a conversation with my beautiful wife, I have come to understand that I cannot have this large amount of stuff spread over the breadth of Hades and the entirety of the Earth. It must fit into one tiny 450 square foot room. My argument is that I am a free spirit. I need room to spread my creative wings and stretch into my muse. She didn’t buy it either. Brian "I am a snowflake” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Random Haiku Thursday It's random Haiku Thursday!!!! Power outages Puking from the Chicken Pox I really need sleep Brian "Poetry is like Hair” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Things a Photography Judge should NOT say. Who doesn’t love 4H? (maybe the rebels from 5I or 6J?) I’ve lived in North Dakota my entire life and I know that 4H plays a central role in many people’s lives. I have been asked to be a judge for some upcoming photography exhibits. Now for those loyal readers, you will know that I am a huge photo geek, so this will be great. But loyal readers will also know that I can be a loose canon when it comes to what I say. So I promise I will be only constructive and not say things like: -“Great Photograph—did your dog take it?” -“I noticed that the subject was in the dead center of the photograph. I appreciate your willingness to break all the composition rules and make your image as stale as possible” -“Am I on Candid Camera? This has to be a joke.” -“Someday, if you work hard and continue what you are doing, you too can be a mediocre photographer.” -“What is that? A melted candy cane covered in stray hair?” -“The camera looks both ways and it’s apparent you are more shallow than a puddle” -“Not only should you never pick up a camera again; I insist you close one eye for the rest of your life!” -“I feel sorry for the sunset.” OK, now I will only think positive and constructive thoughts the help these young leaders improve their skills. I promise! Brian "Point and Shoot yourself” Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Dear Chad's Wife--Part 2 Dear Chad’s wife, It has come to my attention that my dear friend Chad is still without an iPod that does not require a hand crank and over-night charging by a mule. It seems like you do not see the dire nature of the situation. 1. Chad only gets non-video-enhanced songs stuck in his head. This is similar to times long ago which are referred to as the K-Tel 8-Track era. You may not remember this since you are so youthful and vibrant. 2. Chad may or may not be color blind. It’s difficult to know since his current MP3 player has a black and white screen. You may be living with someone with blindness! 3. It is obvious you are a kind and giving person. You have given Chad beautiful children, but he is lagging in the MP3 player department. I have spoken to Chad and I have a feeling that he may be yearning for more children……or a new iPod. 4. Did you know the diaper-change rate for an iPod is nearly zero? That’s also a huge impact for the environment! 5. iPods quietly sit in their cradles all night until you are ready for them. 6. Did I mention that you are a kind, youthful and vibrant person? 7. Studies show that people who do not own current model iPods are prone to fits of rage and can be linked to criminal behavior. Please get Chad an iPod before he Jaywalks again! See, Chad’s wife, there is an over-whelming need for this to happen. Chad is a deserving man who grew up in a small lag cabin in Illinois, worked the family farm by hand and supported the family since he was 8. He later put himself through law school by working 4 jobs, all of which required hard labor. All of this and he some how lead the way for clean drinking water in Zimbabwe and helped refugees from war-torn nations find homes. In return all he asks for is a small token of iPodishness to fill the empty void left by the kidney he donated to a stranger. Please help! Brian "Pro-Chad" Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Blogging Batman New Movie described via alliteration. The Dark Knight Billionaire becomes Bat battling beguiling buffoon. Beautiful beloved betrothed by blonde barrister. Brilliant boor bothers Bat by binding beloved and barrister both by barrels of borides. Bat debates before bolting. Barrister badly blemished, becomes bothered. Blows-away bystanders. Bat bares blame Batmobile busts—bursts birthing a batcycle. Bat-signal banged-up. Brace yourself—Batman back before long. Brian "Bubbly” Batthews Bollow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Bollow the Bravels of the Bittle Bed Beaker here: Flickr Photos Beck out my bolumnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Beck out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Random Haiku Thursday George Peppard was cool Murdock under-utilized I pity the fool My Internal Dialogue Here’s a snippet of my actual internal dialogue. Hey did someone say caramel rolls? The soft sugary stickiness would be nummy. I shouldn’t have one. I think these jeans are shrinking again. Do belts shrink to? I have to think about something else or I’m just going to keep wanting one. I wonder what Clint Eastwood’s forehead wrinkles look like under a microscope? I wonder if I could Photoshop them into a realistic landscape…maybe use part of an eyebrow for a forest. Caramel Roll. Uh…the new Batman movie was awesome! All those nifty gizmos. I wonder if batman could have a caramel roll gizmo? DOH! “Matriculate” is a funny word. It’s almost as funny as “Masticate”. What’s that? Someone talking about how good the caramel rolls are? They can’t be THAT good, can they? I haven’t heard anyone pass out from the ecstasy induced from the rolls yet. Is that even possible? These caramel rolls are so good. chew chew* I can’t put my finger on this marvelous taste chew chew is it THUD.* Maybe I should find out? I can consider it my public duty! It takes a village…or something like that. My part will be ensuring safety of others through caramel roll tasting. We can never be too safe, right? That’s it…..I’m taking responsibility and I’m ensuring those rolls are safe for consumption! (5 minutes later) Man that was delicious! I’m still alive and I have to say I’m glad I did it! If I hadn’t, the terrorists would have won! Brian "Maybe there are dangerous muffins? " Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Attention Family Members.......Important Information....Do NOT Share With Others. <img align="left" alt="" src="http://blog.redsneaker.net/icons/sick.jpg" /> To family members who read this blog, We all know that, at family gatherings, there are members of the family that say they read the blog, but in fact do not. Sure they laugh and talk about all the “Funny stuff”, but have never pointed a browser this way. Due to this, I have devised a game. Here’s how it goes. 1. A person that reads the blog (know known as a “bloggie”) will say the phrase, “Did you see the show about the kid who was born without a dolem?” 2. All bloggies will have heard about the kid with the missing “dolem” and will comment on how devastating it must have been. 3. The word “Flacid” must be used as much as possible 4. If asked, the “Dolem” is the majora duplex found near the nasal labial folds. 5. There is no cure for the disease, but the patient will have to take a natural supplement found only in Denmark called “Dolemitia” (pronounced “Do-luh-mee-shah”. 6. Once a “bloggie” says the word “bamboo”, all talk about the kid with the disease will immediately cease no matter where we are in the conversation. Now print this out and get ready to have a little fun! Brian "Pon Dolem Disease" Matthews <br /> Follow me at <a href="http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker">http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker</a> <BR /> Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/redsneaker/"> Flickr Photos</a> <br/> Check out my Column<a href="http://www.redsneaker.net/column">http://redsneaker.net/column</a> <br> Check out my other blog <a href="http://blog.redsneaker.net">http://blog.redsneaker.net</a> Dear Chad's Wife Dear Chad’s wife, Remember life in college? We had no money. We ate Top Ramen or store brand Mac & cheese? Remember all the hand-me-down furniture and other appliances? Remember how they were quirky in how some stuff didn’t work on them. Sure it wasn’t the latest and greatest, but we didn’t care…it was free, even if it was liable to cause fire damage. That’s what renter’s insurance is for! Those were good old days, weren’t they? Flash forward to today. Family, a steady income and your appliances aren’t straight from a 1972 Sears catalog. Life is so much better isn’t it? Then I ask you…..why is Chad still using an obsolete MP3 player? We both know Chad is a great guy. Sure he has some faults too, like the insatiable need for Hollywood gossip, specifically about Ernest Borgnine. He has his faults, but he also needs a new iPod. Please please please, let him buy a new iPod. Something that can play video of, say, your wedding or the birth of your children, so he can be reminded every day of his blessings! A reminder so strong, he will surely thank you for it….if you know what I mean? OK, Chad, I’ve done all I can. Good luck! Brian "Convincing John" Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Unsatisfied Customer I think I am a good customer. I talk to sales people like human beings, I respect them and I don’t give them a hard time, because I’ve been where they are. Having been where they are, I also know when I’m not getting great service. No big deal. Typically I’m just happy to be getting service. But recently, I received some pretty bad service. The kind of thing that made my jaw drop as if to say, “You’ve got to be pulling my appendage”. Even when it’s obvious that the sales person is new or inexperienced, I try to help them out, give them the benefit of the doubt, but this time I feel taken advantage of. I feel like someone tried to pull a fast con on me and expected me not to notice. It was like having a little kid squeeze out all the toothpaste on the cat, then try to scoop the toothpaste back into the tube and place it back on the sink as if nothing ever happened. The cat will never be the same again. UPDATE: All has been rectified. It's interesting to see how a mistake in communication can snowball into a poor customer experience. What is the lesson learned? Listen, listen, and listen some more. Then understand. Brian "No longer Unsatisfied Customer " Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net Basement Bidness I spent the weekend remodeling my shop. My shop is in the basement of our house and is filled with all sort of blade, saw, and drilling apparatus. One would think that it would be the easiest room to remodel since all the tools are right there. Well, one would be incorrect in their assumptions. See, I once knew where everything was, but now that all the tools are scattered to and fro (or should it be two and frow?) I cannot find a thing. This should explain why I was screwing in a 1 1/4 inch wood screw with an old chisel. Bob Villa would hit me across the head with a brace and bit if he saw me doing that. Now excuse me, I have to go finish the electrical wiring with a plastic fork and a meat cleaver. Congratulations, Erik!!!!! I have some advice. I would like to formally congratulate Erik and his wife (Mrs. Erik) on their impending doom, I mean baby! Erik, as a friend who only knows you from the wide tubes of the inkernet, I feel an obligation to give you the straight-up facts that NO ONE else will tell you. I have three children……I can help! 1. Whatever your wife craves, get it for her. For us, I should have purchased a Nacho machine from the gas station to save on gas. Just think about it. 2. Having babies is one of the most beautifully disgusting activities you and your wife will ever share. Embrace it and take medication first if you get queasy easily. 3. If your wife invites you to the baby shower---go! Cake—good! Punch—good! Participating in a game to suck water from a baby bottle the fastest---good!!! 4. Naming a baby is one of the most entertaining things you can do! Don’t settle for a boring (yet incredibly sexy) name like “Brian”. Instead, try some less used names like “Aquanetta” and “Ferneeshia”. 5. Start buying diapers now. Right now! 6. There is no way to totally “Baby-proof” a house or apartment. Just be sure if you clip the toilet, you know how to release it! 7. If you insist on cutting the umbilical cord, practice first with a dull pair of scissors and an old garden hose. 8. If your wife doesn’t get an epidural, insist you get one! 9. Buy two-week’s worth of comfy clothes. Sweat pants, shorts, baggy t-shirts etc. Label the last set of clothes “Do Laundry” or you may forget. 10. Welcome to the land of puke and poop. Congratulations! You are now eligible to join the secret society of “Man Scouts”. I will brief you more on what that entails before your first meeting. Brian "Daddy" Matthews Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos Check out my Column http://redsneaker.net/column Check out my other blog http://blog.redsneaker.net